Really soft squash killed the blind pull

My 5k race bib arrived!!!

Left sunshine in SLO county this afternoon & ended up with rain bad enough to create 2 auto freeway accidents!

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Training for a 5k!

Yep! I'm in training again. March 26th is the Carneros Vineyard 5k & I'm trying very hard to stay in training!

But we will see how long the training lasts... I haven't signed up yet. I'm still thinking about it.

I'm very proud of my very first workout though! Twenty minutes of walking&running through Golden Gate Park! Went 1.1 miles and listened to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs & Radiohead. Yay me!

It was a bit cold, so I started out by running. Didn't get very far though and slowed down to walk. I noticed that my pace was better when I was walking, not running. Probably because when I burn out and stop running, I slow too far down. Oops.

I got home and rewarded myself with homemade veggie curry! And a private viewing of My Big Fat Greek Wedding!

Hiking Poles!

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From the American Hiking Society!

Great timing too, gearing up for a hike at Sugarloaf this weekend & Montana del Oro next weekend!

Hike #3

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Cull Canyon in Castro Valley was our hiking location for Dec 11, but with all the rain this week, it was too washed out. We changed hike locations to Muir Beach/Dias Ridge.

Beautiful fog. Soft mud. Lovely people.

Uphill at first, for a while, and me without my poles! I ordered a set from American Hiking Society for $60, hopefully they'll make it to me before the next hike! But so proud of myself for making it up to the top of the ridge!

This hike I mainly stuck with Joy!

Such a joyful and humorous lady, who might be my new carpool! Talking led to all sorts of topics: wicking undies, acupuncture, sesame snacks. It was a nice loop trail, in which we crossed Highway 1 twice. Full of other hikers and runners with doggies. One couple (wearing Cal sweaters!) had a Rhodesian Ridgeback! Totally reminded me of a friend of the family who had two Ridgebacks, who were the awesomest dogs!

Coming down from the nearly 1,000 feet of elevation was fun, especially since the fog was breaking up just enough to see the beach. Back where we started! The end in sight!

Lots of banana slugs along the trail, as you can see in the attached video. And lots of running water, puddles, mud. But not the mud that sticks to your boots, thank goodness!

Cherry cordial M&M's once we were back at the parking lot. I'm ready for next week! Rock on!

Hike #3

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Cull Canyon in Castro Valley was our hiking location for Dec 11, but with all the rain this week, it was too washed out. We changed hike locations to Muir Beach/Dias Ridge.

Beautiful fog. Soft mud. Lovely people.

Uphill at first, for a while, and me without my poles! I ordered a set from American Hiking Society for $60, hopefully they'll make it to me before the next hike! But so proud of myself for making it up to the top of the ridge!

This hike I mainly stuck with Joy!

Such a joyful and humorous lady, who might be my new carpool! Talking led to all sorts of topics: wicking undies, acupuncture, sesame snacks. It was a nice loop trail, in which we crossed Highway 1 twice. Full of other hikers and runners with doggies. One couple (wearing Cal sweaters!) had a Rhodesian Ridgeback! Totally reminded me of a friend of the family who had two Ridgebacks, who were the awesomest dogs!

Coming down from the nearly 1,000 feet of elevation was fun, especially since the fog was breaking up just enough to see the beach. Back where we started! The end in sight!

Lots of banana slugs along the trail, as you can see in the attached video. And lots of running water, puddles, mud. But not the mud that sticks to your boots, thank goodness!

Cherry cordial M&M's once we were back at the parking lot. I'm ready for next week! Rock on!

Hike #2

This was the view from the top...

Hiking from Fort Baker, underneath the Golden Gate Bridge on the Marin side, all the way to this zenith, was really not what I wanted to be doing on 9am Saturday. But I did it.

It started at 8am with the TNT group gathering to go over milestones (our team is nearly at $50,000 of fundraising!) and hear from an honoree. This hike Kurt Zimmerman talked. He didn't talk about how cancer has changed him personally. He talked about how cancer has changed his family. As soon as his daughter found out about his cancer, she signed up for a Team In Training marathon. And the whole family got behind her, and Kurt, in an effort to find a cure. In some ways, Kurt says "My cancer has really strengthened and helped my family grow." And he also says that when we're up there, struggling to reach the peak, with knees that hurt and thighs that burn, we're struggling beside him. We're in the fight just as much as he is.

Couldn't have said it better.

Uphill sucks. No doubt about it. But once you're up there (with some help from trekking poles!), your body goes into autopilot. Suddenly, you're not thinking about how your legs feel, you're simply putting one foot in front of the other. You're commenting on how beautiful the trees sound when the leaves get hit with raindrops.

Amelia was a joy to hike with - new friend FTW! - and she let me use her poles almost the entire hike. Then she told me about the American HIking Society and how they have poles for just $60! That's my next purchase. Boots, check. Fleece, check. Poles - time to go shopping!

Doesn't she look cute in her blue rainjacket!

Hike #3 is Saturday the 11th, in Cull Canyon (Castro Valley) - and then on the 12th I'm hosting a Bake Sale! So, hopefully some great fundraising news will come from that!

Time to get baking...

Thanksgiving 2010

Half-Empty Bed

There's a speck of red on the bed
My eye catches it every other moment
A trick of the light
I think I might see something else
Someone else
If I turn my head to look at it

At 2am
With the sky painted black
The world seems that much more distant
My vivid imagination
Once treasured as a child
Haunts, but fleetingly

I can't feel the weight of you next to me
Perhaps I float
Above our bed, hoping, waiting
I'm lighter than my thoughts
And I can't fall asleep
Deprived and burning eyelids

Spiteful
Why can't I rest without you here?
Why am I always on?
Thinking without the comfort of your nearness

Until finally, I sleep....

The 25th Floor

It's the height
The view of someone smaller than me
Am I so large? So far away?
The view of the bay is bigger than me
So am I small?

Little cars, buzzing along
Window seemingly large in my eyes
Seeing something far away
Makes me feel so tiny and fragile
And I could fall so harsh against the earth

It's the height
Wobbly knees and shivering skin
I want to wash off this small humble feeling
The churning fumbles in my middle
Being repeatedly dropped

Two Souls

Two souls divide
Wander through the halls of my mind
Footsteps echo, shallow breaths

One, a flame of personality
Lightning flashes in a brilliant presence
Covering a melancholic existence
I watch the storm break upon the cliffs of my heart

The other, burning embers
Strongly warming me, not dying out
Never turning to dust
I edge closer to the heat and find comfort there

Longing takes its toll
My body aches from the lack of touch
That comfort came and burnt away my stubborn streak
I am warm and safe inside one's arms
As the other rages and wages war outside

I await the day my heart decides
To want the storm to subside
And wander somewhere else
Until then, I cherish each moment
Of newness and longevity

Thailand Awaits

The rumbling and the roaring
Of my own insides
A hunger for calm and sanity
Expecting bumps and bruises
And only getting adventure

Travel brings a curiosity
Roaming imagination
And endless mindscapes
Of the things that are new

I will see beauty
I will smell sweetness
I will hear melodies
I will think of you

I take people with me when I travel far away
And they see what I see, touch what I touch
You will be ever present, my dear
And when I return from the land of smiles
You will remember everything

Unexpected

Something jolts me awake
A dream, a lingering wisp of smoke
Lacing my thoughts with haze
This unexpected feeling
An unwelcome guest

My brain manifesting truth
Incited by my own imagination
And the wait until the unknown
Becomes the known
Creating holes of black within me

Somehow my legs cave in
I'm learning to stand up
All over again
I stumble, I cringe
My insides twist and shout

The unexpected
Only leaves you
Expecting more

It's Not Love, Is It?

The skin on my arms turns into goosebumps
Hairs stand on end
It starts in my hips and works it way
Out of my tear ducts
It's then I understand that my heart
Is deeper than I thought
Growing roots within myself
Where once I had thought the darkness too bleak
A foreign feeling
Like that of a numb limb waking up

You are forever walking towards me
I can allow myself that image
That one small wave of contentment
Because it remains
If only to feed these growing roots
Breaking through the stubborn soil of my insides
My breath becoming the leaves of a giant tree
I shade myself under the canopy
I've created for myself
From the seeds you helped me sow

The Unsaid Spoken

It's not a word, or even
A syllable or sound
That enters my mind as something
You've said

It's the cock of an eyebrow
Mischievous squint of the eye
That grin
The one that only inhabits
One side of your mouth

You've said volumes
And I listen intently
Like a child to an aging crone
A whispery voice relaying stories
Of the distant past

That same boundless activity
Found in a waiting child
Boiling just underneath the surface
Of my skin, of your skin

But neither of us says the unspoken
The step that would take us closer
To comfort, would also be
Our undoing

We speak with our eyes, our smiles,
Our energy
We dance along the same vibrating thread
We keep the unsaid spoken between us

Overwhelming

Lights turn red as my hands turn numb
The window stays open for fresh air
I can't breathe in enough of the stuff
Intoxicated by the smell of your skin
A scent that lingers in my nostrils
For days afterwards

My mind remains an open tomb
Black hole of emotion and thought
Whatever it was that sucked me through
Holds me captive, although I struggle not
I've seen what my being can handle
What I can sustain

I cherish it
Although the memory retains only fragments
It stays in me
Like a filling meal leaves your body comatose

Cousin

she's just a little girl
wandering around with her big, open eyes
she's just waiting for something
to fall in her lap
her fate, her happiness, her doubt

she's not so young for a little girl
living with mom
and blaming her too
never learning how to stand up
on her own two feet

it's a shame and a sham
she's checked herself in
those big eyes full of ripe tears

every wet drop will be like alice in wonderland
growing and shrinking alongside her emotions
it'll be like she'd never left herself
never let herself hang out to dry

she's just a little girl
in big girl clothes
riding the teacups until she pukes
until somebody tells her to get off
until she realizes the ride's just a ride

Reminder

Everyone has that something that eats at us
Our insides turn to mulch
And the doubt bugs come to plump up

There's a pulling down in my middle
As I read the note
Reminder of a part of life unfinished

A time of clarity, followed by a time of levity
I can't quite seem to get it right
My head starts to throb

We like to remind ourselves of all we are
The good times, the gold stars
This note only brings me back

To that place where I put on a mask
The image of an accomplishment
Unsure that I can bear for them to see me

As I am, I have failed in their eyes
I can see that they see me
Someone less than what I really am

This note will be burned
But into my brain
And all my clarity of the recent past
For naught

The Comedown

There is a running in my middle
A rampant current, flowing madly
My expected tearful release is not present
Rather a quickening pulse
And inability to sit still

I fidget, ever-growing jitters
Consuming the edges of me
Hands and feet dancing their own rhythm
Blinking eyes see nothing but
What I can't have right now

This is my comedown
A detox from you and your liquid voice
I made my rules and intend to keep them
But it's so hard to stay in line
If your heart knows not what to do

Anything I do now, in this moment
Of self-imposed insanity
Would never assuage this itch I have
Not even if I tried to explain myself
To you and your unseeing eyes