Thailand Awaits

The rumbling and the roaring
Of my own insides
A hunger for calm and sanity
Expecting bumps and bruises
And only getting adventure

Travel brings a curiosity
Roaming imagination
And endless mindscapes
Of the things that are new

I will see beauty
I will smell sweetness
I will hear melodies
I will think of you

I take people with me when I travel far away
And they see what I see, touch what I touch
You will be ever present, my dear
And when I return from the land of smiles
You will remember everything

Unexpected

Something jolts me awake
A dream, a lingering wisp of smoke
Lacing my thoughts with haze
This unexpected feeling
An unwelcome guest

My brain manifesting truth
Incited by my own imagination
And the wait until the unknown
Becomes the known
Creating holes of black within me

Somehow my legs cave in
I'm learning to stand up
All over again
I stumble, I cringe
My insides twist and shout

The unexpected
Only leaves you
Expecting more

It's Not Love, Is It?

The skin on my arms turns into goosebumps
Hairs stand on end
It starts in my hips and works it way
Out of my tear ducts
It's then I understand that my heart
Is deeper than I thought
Growing roots within myself
Where once I had thought the darkness too bleak
A foreign feeling
Like that of a numb limb waking up

You are forever walking towards me
I can allow myself that image
That one small wave of contentment
Because it remains
If only to feed these growing roots
Breaking through the stubborn soil of my insides
My breath becoming the leaves of a giant tree
I shade myself under the canopy
I've created for myself
From the seeds you helped me sow

The Unsaid Spoken

It's not a word, or even
A syllable or sound
That enters my mind as something
You've said

It's the cock of an eyebrow
Mischievous squint of the eye
That grin
The one that only inhabits
One side of your mouth

You've said volumes
And I listen intently
Like a child to an aging crone
A whispery voice relaying stories
Of the distant past

That same boundless activity
Found in a waiting child
Boiling just underneath the surface
Of my skin, of your skin

But neither of us says the unspoken
The step that would take us closer
To comfort, would also be
Our undoing

We speak with our eyes, our smiles,
Our energy
We dance along the same vibrating thread
We keep the unsaid spoken between us

Overwhelming

Lights turn red as my hands turn numb
The window stays open for fresh air
I can't breathe in enough of the stuff
Intoxicated by the smell of your skin
A scent that lingers in my nostrils
For days afterwards

My mind remains an open tomb
Black hole of emotion and thought
Whatever it was that sucked me through
Holds me captive, although I struggle not
I've seen what my being can handle
What I can sustain

I cherish it
Although the memory retains only fragments
It stays in me
Like a filling meal leaves your body comatose

Cousin

she's just a little girl
wandering around with her big, open eyes
she's just waiting for something
to fall in her lap
her fate, her happiness, her doubt

she's not so young for a little girl
living with mom
and blaming her too
never learning how to stand up
on her own two feet

it's a shame and a sham
she's checked herself in
those big eyes full of ripe tears

every wet drop will be like alice in wonderland
growing and shrinking alongside her emotions
it'll be like she'd never left herself
never let herself hang out to dry

she's just a little girl
in big girl clothes
riding the teacups until she pukes
until somebody tells her to get off
until she realizes the ride's just a ride

Reminder

Everyone has that something that eats at us
Our insides turn to mulch
And the doubt bugs come to plump up

There's a pulling down in my middle
As I read the note
Reminder of a part of life unfinished

A time of clarity, followed by a time of levity
I can't quite seem to get it right
My head starts to throb

We like to remind ourselves of all we are
The good times, the gold stars
This note only brings me back

To that place where I put on a mask
The image of an accomplishment
Unsure that I can bear for them to see me

As I am, I have failed in their eyes
I can see that they see me
Someone less than what I really am

This note will be burned
But into my brain
And all my clarity of the recent past
For naught

The Comedown

There is a running in my middle
A rampant current, flowing madly
My expected tearful release is not present
Rather a quickening pulse
And inability to sit still

I fidget, ever-growing jitters
Consuming the edges of me
Hands and feet dancing their own rhythm
Blinking eyes see nothing but
What I can't have right now

This is my comedown
A detox from you and your liquid voice
I made my rules and intend to keep them
But it's so hard to stay in line
If your heart knows not what to do

Anything I do now, in this moment
Of self-imposed insanity
Would never assuage this itch I have
Not even if I tried to explain myself
To you and your unseeing eyes

Misstep

We are two tin cans
Strung along a tenuous line
Reverberations creating tension
Until we pull tight
And relieve the miscommunication

Inside my head
This tinny sound is aching
Awaiting the renewed sound
Of your smooth voice
The thing that melts me

Awash with waves of uncertainty
I reel from the lack
Of your tight embrace
Willing a new taught string
To rise up in the old one's place

And once again,
We can speak out loud
And honestly

Not Mine Anymore

Everything now is just a tease
The way you walk
The scent that follows you
Stringing myself along
I'll end up with a fluttering heart
A stuttering that won't be relieved
That permanent blush,
Eluding me as the brass ring of love

And then you smile
Embrace my worries
I melt and all the burning with it
Watching for the calming effect
Awaiting me at every turn
I breathe

The Fog

Bouncing, drifting, wandering off
In my mind, in my naivete
Something catches itself
On a breath of fresh air
And the world starts to smell
Of dewy tension

It's this low hanging
Misty fog, a blanket of haze
Distorting my view
Resurrecting my imagination

Wispy white extending towards
The crisp dark blue of the ocean
A borderless horizon mocking my desire
For parallels and sharp shapes

I wait
For that cold, singular feeling
To fade away
As the fog creeps quickly,
Coveting my urban landscape
Allowing no room for anything
But submission

Hopefully

I cry, I smile
Indifference seems to melt away
That thumping place inside my chest
Warming to your touch
You scare yourself
And pull away, fingers and all
Blurring into the horizon
Quickly gone as you quickly came
I am bereft
I cry, I smile
I had time with you and your eyes
The comforting embrace
A breath of fresh air
And we laughed together
At each other, the little things
This is us at our highest peak
I cry, I smile
As I look down from atop a crest
The waves punishing my body
I'm beat up, my heart is bruised
My hand holds out hope
That yours will find it in the swell of things

Distance

I have to be there for you
By not being there
By not speaking to you
Trying to resist the urge to look
At your face
To be able to read
The smallest inclination of a smile

I have to be there for you
But it's so not my style
To let you push me away
Even if only for a moment
Before you can build up your armor
And come back into the fight

I have to be there for you
To make it fair between us
For your easy way of saying hello
And making sure I'm alright
For the closeness of your hugs
The sense of relief there within

I have to be there for you
Since you were there for me

But I'm not there for you
As I would have wanted to be
You don't experience the warmth
In my eyes and my hand
A reassuring smile, the drop of a kiss

I am your safehouse
If you would only let me be

Slow Burn

My heart isn't beating, according to plan
I cherish the days gone by
When thud one and thud two
Closely followed each other
Now there is a great expanse between
The thudding and the breath I take

Breathe in, breathe out,
And always stay just slightly left
Of center
My heart isn't beating, according to my mind
It's supposed to be logical, isn't it?

I think back on those boring days
Of lazing on the couch, drinking tea
Alone and content in my single thoughts
Never wondering about other people

My heart isn't beating
It's slowly fading into the ocean
Seeping out, like slow blood loss
No wonder I've felt so dizzy, so light
It feels like I'm floating

Hovering slightly above the water
I watch the stars burn out
Dimming themselves for the sake of the moon

My heart isn't beating
It's burning

In Between

I'm looking up at a swinging light bulb
No other filament around to show me a pathway
Like Alice as she cowers in the darkness
Any hint of a song or colorful beam
And I'm running towards it, recklessly

Only, the pathway has so many bends
Curving sharply out of my sight
Rounding the corner to find myself lost again
Where I've been felt good and easy
Where I'm going feels fleeting

This is somewhere in between
Along the path that leads to nowhere
I'm missing something in translation
My words hastening to my lips
But unable to produce a sound

I'm stuck...

Tease

A soft, warm breath on the nape of my neck
Hairs stand at attention like compliant soldiers
My skin anticipates the presence of your body
Against my now slowly arching spine

I daydream that we steal away
To a quiet, dark corner where nobody can see
Our dizzying heat filtering through the air
Swallowing moans that might escape our throats

And yet you remain, but an arm's reach away
Sensing the tension humming between us
With every look and grin
Another part of me melts into an opaque heaven

Damn you and your liquid voice
Your brazen gait and knowing eyes
Damn me and my wanton ways
My obvious itch and desire to smolder

Faint

Shoulders cold, goosebumped skin
While a torrent of heat waves
Ebb and flow inside my head
Fingers as strangers to my body
Numbness sets in, melting my muscles
The darkness comes
From the peripheral, tiny dots
Washing away my sense of space
I have no legs, I have no arms
My breath is somewhere in between
Seems like eternal sleep
Seems good and right, but

Then there is a hand to guide me
Soothing and reviving
Searching eyes that look for signs
Of reaction to that friendly hand
Bright dots of light
Filtering into blinding
Fresh air waking up the memory
Skin aglow with sweat and relief

The feeling is there
It's a surge of electricity
Drowning out the sound in my ears
It's fluttering around my heart
My sway, not only that of fainting
This unstable, wobbly stance
I wish you could see
Every drop of grateful energy
Seeping, flowing out of me
Into the depths of your patient embrace

In My Dreams

An exotic perfume hangs heavy over your head
The last thing you think about
As you drift towards me
The vapors swirling madly in your wake
Dying spirals and a drop in my stomach

I stand across the room, waiting for novelty
Vicious desperation masked by indifference
Smoky anticipation of a fleeting moment, yet to come
Like an invisible thumb wishing to rule me
Quickening breath and tense muscles

Eyes catch each other
As my body melts into a languid haze
First touch becomes fast blood within my veins
This humid embrace, exhausting at every inhale
Every exhale a step closer to release

Now I define myself by your warmth
Longing, yearning to feel something more
Waking up to childish frustration

Sneeze

An explosion from within
This nasty sound of disease
Dis-ease
Created by infectious warriors
Invading my body
Circulating, conquering
Making me wish for rest
The knife can be driven deeper

Blümchen

Somewhere in between the clashing colors
I find a simple purple flower
Its clean scent sweetly wafting through my head

Nothing else can take this moment away
Of knowing that you'll stay
Another day, another night
That I'm not alone

The haze of crazy hangs low in the room
A palpable dread
And you, this shining silhouette
Attracting me, distracting me from all else

I want to water this moment
So that it never dies
And keep you in a vase by the door

The Weekend

Three whole days of not saying hello
Not seeing your eyes dance with irony
Not hearing your voice

That soft, low voice
Dripping with gravity and density

Three whole days of the rest of my life
Other friends who satisfy my needs
Of going out and laughing
Of drinking and flirting
Of talking about our thoughts and ideas

I wonder what you do
On the other side of the city
If it's as fun as what we have together
If there was someone else
Who made you forget me

Even if just for a moment
You forgot me and my smile
And only wanted to kiss her lips

I guess I'll never know
What you do without me
Because you only give me friendly looks
You only give me
Something you think you can handle

When actually you can handle me
And all my intricacies
The minor perfections and golden quirks
And if you were to gaze a bit more deeply
You'd see that I see you
I'm just as scared as you are

I Remember...

You let me give you a massage
Something that only professionals do
The slow, strong repetition of my hands
Fingers pressing into supple skin
Finding your relief in every breath

Your encouraging comments
While playing video games and lying in bed
The comfort of your voice, patient
In its familiarity of my quirks
Imperfections I let you see

You make my head feel like marshmallow
Sweetly candied thoughts playing tag
To and fro, the memory of laughter

My skin tingles remembering your lips
Deftly rendering me speechless

It is this that ultimately makes me weak
The reminders, the memories that niggle at my mind
A hypnotic state of being
Relishing the fact that I can call upon you
Anytime I wish

Call Me Bumble

I feel it now
This tugging downwards
Heavy chest and slow of breath
A constant skipping
In my heart

My eyes blur and bleed
The images surrounding me
This haze a welcome guest
Happy to become
Abiding and constant

Around you I am abuzz
A complete sense of
Being the live wire
Which attracts you to touch it
Every now and then

Being the water
That gives you relief

Being the arms
That circle your doubts
With warmth

Stress Hangover

There is a heat, rising
Up to the back of my eyes
Radiating out through my forehead
Into my immediate atmosphere

Like little comets, threatening
Devious in their orbit
Their fiery light searing my eyes
Not allowing me to eat or drink

I wait for my sanity to return
As close to the edge as I am
I am calm, for I know that it won't be long
Before a soft pillow soothes me

Waiting

The cool wind breezes past my bare skin
My arms breaking out in goosebumps
As my cheeks flush in the chill,
My stomach drops, for I realize
The height of my suspension

These clouds below my feet
Have all the qualities of my heart
Moving quickly, ever changing shape
This rushing feeling in my chest
Never slowing its pace or flow

And I, the origin, sighing
For I put myself here at this height
Suspended above my world
Unable to see your eyes or smile
Unable to read what lies beneath

As I struggle to find the meaning, the words
The clouds seem further away, tinier
Until I reach that height
Where I can no longer breathe the air
And my mind leaps into survival mode

How can I come back down to you
If I can't seem to remember the earth
The muddled smell of people,
The sticky feel of the mud,
The slow curve of your hand on my hip,
Like fog blanketing quickly over the forested hills.

The Other

I remember feeling like liquid
My fingers and toes
The tips of a powerful swell
Crashing itself against the rocks
I never knew a subsiding calm
Only the undertow

The worry knot pulsates within me
Growing larger every time
If I look in his eyes
If I touch his cheek
If I hear him say my name

He’s starting to see
That which is the other
Deeply hidden, afraid of company
It secretly yearns to be seen
Yet with each step into the light
It shivers with cold
And covers itself with sandpaper